What keeps my heart beating
by hinkevanabbema
Summary: After their Games, during the Victory Tour, Peeta proposes to Katniss and now they're forced to get married. The Quarter Quell announcement comes and sends especially Katniss into a nightmarish reality. How will they manage to uphold a fake marriage and mentor tributes during the Quarter Quell?
1. The Quarter Quell announcement

_What if the Quarter Quell was not with tributes reaped from the existing pool of victors. What if it was something else and Katniss and Peeta were forced to marry and mentor the kids in the Quell?_

_A fan-fiction of what could have been, it starts with Peeta's POV but changes later on. It starts in chapter 12 of Catching Fire. (I've already written The Hunger Games and chapters 1-11 from Catching Fire from Peeta's POV)_

**_What keeps my heart beating_**

**Chapter 1 – The Quarter Quell announcement **

After Katniss broke her foot I spent time with her every day. Baking her cheese buns, carrying her down stairs, painting flowers and plants into her family book. I felt like we really connected and grew closer. But now she's able to walk again and on top of that she's too busy with the photo shoot for the wedding, so I'm back to painting and baking again.

The night after the photo shoot I get a call from my father asking me to help out in the bakery the next day. My parents are mostly self-sufficient, but I'm always happy to help, so I go to the bakery early the next morning and stay until after dinner. Just before I'm about to leave, my mother tells me there's a mandatory broadcast tonight. I nod but I couldn't care less. My parents asked me again when I'm finally going to bring Katniss over for dinner and I'm anxious about that. Our engagement is fake, so why would she want to come to my parents house for dinner with me?

I get home just in time for the broadcast this evening. On the couch with a cup of tea I turn on the television and see Caesar Flickerman in front of the Training Center. He talks about our marriage and how Cinna, Katniss' stylist has created several bridal gowns for Katniss to wear. Cinna comes on stage and receives an enormous applause. Apparently he is quite popular in the Capitol, which no doubt has to do with the wonderful dresses he puts Katniss in. He and Caesar talk about his designs and then Caesar tells us all to pay our attention at the big screen behind him, where the dresses will be shown.

Gown after gown is shown on the screen. All of them white and elaborate and presumptuous. There are 24 of them, but there has been a whole show of choosing and electing them until there were only six left. These six were sent to District Twelve and now they show Katniss in the dresses. She looks absolutely beautiful in all of them, but it just reminds me on how this wedding is the Capitol's design, and not ours. If we were to get married ourselves, in District Twelve, it would be so different. I'd put on some clean clothes, Katniss would probably rent a dress if her mother doesn't have one left from her merchant days. She'd look more beautiful in that dress than in any of these, because that dress would say it's real, and these are telling us a lie. We would go to the Justice Building to sign papers and to get a house. In that house we would light a fire together and toast some bread. It means that we will promise to love and cherish each other, to take care of the other, to feed and help the other, to live our lives together. Only after this toasting are you really married. None of this weird Capitol over the top stuff will suffice. My mind wanders to the toasting and the meal the married couple shares afterwards. I wonder if Katniss would want to do this toasting with me after we have our Capitol wedding.

The pictures of Katniss in her gowns flash by and once they've all been shown, Caesar tells the audience that they have to cast their vote before noon tomorrow.  
>"Let's get Katniss Everdeen to her wedding in style!" he yells while a crowd of people is hooting and applauding. As the applause dies away Caesar says, "Stay tuned for the other big event of the evening. That's right, this year will be the seventy-fifth anniversary of the Hunger Games, and that means it's time for our third Quarter Quell!"<p>

The anthem plays, and to my dismay I see President Snow takes the stage. Right behind him walks a little boy in a white suit, who's holding a wooden box. President Snow starts his speech in a solemn tone.

"A long time ago there was a terrible war. A time known as Dark Days, where people fought against their own people. To kill and to destroy. But peace came, hard fought and cherished ever since. And to make sure that something like this would never happen again, the Hunger Games were born. These Games are here to remind us of our terrible past and to safeguard our future. When the laws for the Games were laid out, they dictated that every twenty-five years the anniversary would be marked by a Quarter Quell. And this means a special version of the Games to make fresh the memory of those killed by the districts' rebellion."

The President stays quiet for a while, to let the words sink in. Then he tells us what happened in the previous Quarter Quells. "On the twenty-fifth anniversary, as a reminder to the rebels that their children were dying because of their choice to initiate violence, every district was made to hold an election and vote on the tributes who would represent it."  
>How awful would that be, to be chosen by your fellow district members, your neighbors, your classmates. It says they'd rather have you die than anyone else. After being a victor of a games once, I think I'd rather die in those games than win them and return to a district that doesn't want me there.<p>

The president goes on with the next Quell, the fiftieth Hunger Games, the year Haymitch won.  
>"On the fiftieth anniversary, as a reminder that two rebels died for each Capitol citizen, every district was required to send twice as many tributes."<br>I'm shocked at his words. Twice as many tributes. 48 instead of 24. How did Haymitch do this? I think about the knife in his hand when he sleeps and wonder how many of those other 47 he killed. So many children dead, and Haymitch the lone victor.

"And now we honor our third Quarter Quell," the President continues. He waves at the little boy and he comes forward and holds out the box. The President opens it and takes an envelope out of it, marked with the number 75. He opens the envelop and reads in a clear voice, "On the seventy-fifth anniversary, as a reminder that even the youngest children fell victim to the rebellion, the age eligible for reaping will be six instead of twelve. Which means all children between six and eighteen can be reaped for this year's Hunger Games."

The President nods once and then the anthem starts. I let the news slowly sink in. From the age of six! That is insanely young. And Katniss and I would have to mentor these kids. It's all I can do to hope fiercely that the tributes from our district will be older.

I wonder how Katniss takes in the news so I decide to go to her house to see how she's doing. When I enter through the back door I find them sitting in front of the television in their living room. Katniss's face is paper white from shock.

"Hi," I say softly, "I wanted to see how-"

Before I can finish my sentence Katniss gets up from the couch and flings herself in my arms, hiding her face in my neck. Carefully I wrap my arms around her and I comfort her with shushing words. "Shh, it's going to be fine," I whisper.

"No, it's not," she answers, her voice choked. "I can't do this, Peeta."

I'm thinking how her house is probably bugged and it's not safe to openly discuss it so I offer the idea to take a walk together. Katniss immediately understands the reason behind my suggestion and nods quietly.

Once outside, we lace our hands together and walk out of the Victor's Village into the direction of the town square. We walk slowly cause Katniss's foot is still painful and she limps a little. Once we've left the Village behind us Katniss stops in her tracks, let's go of my hand and kicks with her foot against a lump of snow. "I can't believe this is actually going to happen," she says, "What are we supposed to do, Peeta? Do we really have to escort these kids to their deaths. Six years old. It's madness!"

"We don't know if a six year old will get reaped," I say, trying to calm her down, although I feel the same hysteria rising up inside of me. "Chances are someone of eighteen will get reaped sooner than a six year old. The tesserae rule will still count, right?"

"I don't know," Katniss says, "I'm thinking Snow will manipulate this reaping so that many of the tributes will be younger than twelve. And you can bet ours will be young too, after all, we're a threat to him, he'll consider our district dangerous."

I don't know how to answer her, because I believe she's right. After our trick with the berries, Snow sees the two of us rather dead than alive, but because he can't kill us without creating a riot of his own, he'll try whatever he can to unhinge us. Anything to diminish any form of rebellion. I don't utter these thoughts to Katniss, though, knowing it will only upset her more.

"You don't know that for sure," I say instead, "Let's not get ahead of ourselves here, it will take months before that reaping takes place. We'll talk to Haymitch about it in the morning, he'll help us with this, I'm sure he will."

Katniss shivers in the cold, tears glistening in her eyes. With the photo shoot with those extravagant wedding dresses just behind her, it's all a little too much to handle and my heart breaks for her, seeing her so lost. I close the distance between us and wrap her in a tight embrace. "You're not alone," I tell her, "I'm right here with you." I feel her arms slide around my waist as she lays her head against my chest. "Peeta?" Her voice sounds small and tired.

"Yes?"

"Will you stay with me, tonight?"

She lifts her head and looks me in the eyes, her own eyes pleading with me, as if I could ever deny her a request like this. After all, we're supposed to get married soon, and I need to be strong for her. It's useless to be jealous of Gale, useless to swallow in my own sorry sixteen year old problems. She needs me now, and I'll be here for her. "Of course," I answer as I carefully wipe away a tear from her cheek. "Do you want me to come with you now? What will your mom say?"

"I don't care about what my mom will say," Katniss says, "We're supposed to get married anyways, tonight's show of wedding dresses told us that much. But maybe I can come to your house and stay with you?"

"Sure," I say, "Let's go, you're cold."

Katniss reluctantly follows me, "I hate it that we can't talk inside these houses," she says, "Especially when it's so cold outside."

Together we walk back to Victor's Village and to my house. "Won't your mother be worried, though?" I ask, "Maybe you should go tell her you'll be staying with me?"

"No," Katniss says, "I don't want her to question me about that, I'll call her, okay?"

While Katniss calls her mom I rummage in my wardrobe to find something for her to wear. Portia has brought me several flannel pajamas for cold nights, and I take one of them out and put it on the bed. I'm all nervous for Katniss staying overnight. Sure, we slept together in our Games and on the Victory Tour train, but this feels different somehow. There's no tour, no cameras, no expectations. And still, she wants to be with me. I'm thinking back to Gale's whipping, two months ago. I was so sure then, that she loved him and would choose him. Yet here she is, in my house, wanting to sleep with me in my bed. While I'm trying to make sense of this, Katniss enters the bedroom, looking anxious and tired. "Here," I hold the pajamas out to her, "I've found you something to wear."

"Thanks," she says timidly while she takes them from me. I head to the bathroom to give her some privacy and change into my own pajamas in there. Normally I'd sleep in my underwear, but I'm making an exception tonight.

When I come back into my bedroom, Katniss is already lying under the covers, shivering. I crawl in next to her. "Are you cold?" I ask and I hold out my arms to her. She gives me a nod and then gratefully snuggles in my arms. I'm cherishing the feel of her against me and rest my cheek on her hair. "What did your mother say?" I ask.

"She said not to do anything foolish," Katniss answers and she chuckles a bit. I can't help but feel the blood rush to my cheeks as I register what her mother's remark implies. And I don't know what to do with that. I remember the conversation I had with Haymitch, on the day Katniss broke her foot.

_"__You know, you should prepare yourself for the wedding," Haymitch had said._

_"__What do you mean?" I asked._

_"__It is going to happen, and probably soon. They shipped a crate of wedding dresses for Katniss to try on. They arrived yesterday evening." Haymitch answered._

_"__Okay, but what am I supposed to do?" I said, not fully understanding what he implied.  
>"Just be prepared," he said, "Because there is going to be a lot happening and you and Katniss will be at the center of it."<em>

_"__Haymitch, come on," I said, slightly annoyed, "I really don't feel like talking about this stupid wedding."_

_He had smashed his hand on the table, suddenly furious. "Peeta, listen to me. This is not just some act you have to play for a television show. This is your life and it won't last long if you don't take this seriously. The president is watching you, both of you. I'm sorry, but winning the Games doesn't guarantee you a happily ever after."_

I wonder what it will mean for us, this marriage. Will the president force us to have sex? Will he force us to have children? I'm thinking the odds are this will be our future and it horrifies me. It must be worse for Katniss though, she doesn't even want to marry me.

"Are you scared," I whisper while I slowly caress her waist. "To marry me?"

"Yes," she answers softly, but before my heart can feel the disappointment because of this answer, she adds, "And no." She lifts herself up on her elbows and looks me in the eyes. "It's not you," she says, "It's Snow and the Capitol and what they'll force us to do. That's what I'm afraid of. But then I remember you'll be right there with me and I know I'm not alone."

"You're not," I say as I press a kiss on her forehead, "And I won't let them force us to do anything we don't want to do."

"How will you stop them?" Katniss says while she lies down on my chest again. "You can't, we just have to make it work despite what they'll ask from us."

"We'll see," I say, not willing to accept that, "Let's take it a day at the time okay. Tomorrow we'll talk to Haymitch about the Quell. He'll help us mentor those kids. We'll get through it, I promise."

I feel Katniss nod against my chest, her hand on my waist, and despite everything I feel the warm feeling of happiness I always feel when I'm close to her.

Katniss wakes me up in the middle of the night, her screams piercing through the midnight air. She's still asleep when I wake and I have to sit up and shake her hard to rip her away from her nightmare. When she finally wakes she bursts into tears and I pull her into my arms, stroke her hair and whisper soothing words, telling her I'll be here for her and she won't ever have to be alone. Katniss is curled up in my lap, her arms around me, fidgeting with my pajamas. I feel her fingers caress the skin of my lower back, and I can't help but feel the shivers down my spine, my natural reaction to every voluntary touch of her. Eventually I go to lie down again and cradle her in my arms. With a deep sigh she goes to lay down on my chest again, listening to the sound of my heart beat. I keep holding her close to me, caressing her back, until she falls asleep again. But this time I can't follow her, because I'm distracted. I can't help but wonder what this does to her. Does she feel anything else but comfort in my arms? Does she experience any arousal, any curiosity of how it would be like. Her and me, together? But I can't let myself think like this, I can't let myself hope. Have to remind myself that she loves Gale and our relationship is forced. But still, her sleeping in my bed tonight wasn't forced. Her hold on me now is completely voluntarily. Can't she ask Gale to sleep with her? Yes, she can. But she asked me instead, and that must count for something, right?

I cast my eyes downwards to look at her, sleeping peacefully in my arms. How I love her, how I wish I could fight those nightmares away and give her the happiness she deserves. I tighten my arms a little more around her and whisper into the night, "I love you."


	2. The day after

**Chapter 2 – The day after**

When I wake up early in the morning I'm a bit disoriented. Katniss is still sleeping in my arms and that doesn't add up with being in my own bedroom. Yet she's here and very real too. I feel her hand lying on my waist, her head on my chest, her even breathing tells me she's still sound asleep. I wonder what will happen today after she wakes up. Will it be all awkward and uncomfortable or will she ask to sleep with me again tonight? Probably not, I don't have the luxury to hope my feelings for her will ever be answered. As a matter of fact, it's better if she'll just go on living her own life. The boundaries are too vague now. This sleeping together is not something you do when you're just friends. And I'm suddenly thinking I can't let this happen anymore.

Katniss stirs in my arms and lifts her head slightly, "You're awake," she states, "Did you sleep well? I'm sorry I woke you with my nightmares last night."

"I don't mind it," I answer, "I slept fine. But I've been meaning to tell you something. After we get… you know," I look into her eyes to see if she gets what I mean, she nods once. "If you want, you can stay in your own house."

I don't want Katniss to feel obliged to live with me when we're married. This marriage is not real, so why act like it is. And I'm thinking Mrs. Everdeen and Prim need a place to live too. If Katniss were to move in with me, they'd have to come too or go back to that shack in the Seam, which is obviously not acceptable.

Katniss looks at me intently but eventually shakes her head. "I don't think that's an option."

"But I do," I say, "I want you to be happy, Katniss."

Katniss sits up in bed and wipes with her hand in her eyes, "Peeta," she says, her voice sounds upset. "Let's not talk about this here, not now. I'm going home to take a shower. Walk to town with me later?"

I nod and watch her while she picks up her clothes and walks out of my bedroom. I sink back into the pillows and give a deep sigh. I feel like I'm lost, I have no clue what to do anymore, honestly. Katniss wants to walk to town with me to discuss this, I'm sure, but I don't know if I'm up to it.

I shake my head to clear it and get up, take a quick shower and then head to Haymitch with some fresh bread.

Haymitch is awake and not really drunk for a change, so I'm able to talk to him about the Quell. "Katniss was quite upset," I say, "But you're going to help us, right? You're not going to let us mentor six year olds while we know nothing about it."

"Sure, sure," Haymitch says, while he takes a huge bite of bread. "I'll come with you this year. I'll show you how it works. But first off, Peeta, don't get attached. Because they're going to die, most likely."

I roll my eyes, thinking how remarkable it is that Katniss and I made it out of the Games alive last year, with him as our mentor.

"But now on to happier things," Haymitch says sarcastically, "Your wedding! I saw the dresses last night and by the pace things are going, I'm guessing your marriage will be planned before the Quell. Probably somewhere in April, when we're half way between the Tour and the Games."

He gets up and walks out of the house. On the grass in front of our houses he turns to me, suddenly serious. "I'm going to a meeting in the Capitol and I'll see what I can find out about the wedding."

"What will you do?" I ask, surprised, because Haymitch never goes anywhere, and certainly not to the Capitol.

"Something," Haymitch says vaguely, "I'll tell you when the time is right."

I nod and stare in the direction of Katniss's house. "I told Katniss she could stay in her own house after the wedding. I'm afraid what they'll force us to do though."

Haymitch shakes his head impatiently. "She can't live in her own house, that's not possible, Peeta."

"No, that's what she said." I reply.

"When did you have this conversation with her?" Haymitch asks.

"This morning," I tell him, "She stayed overnight."

"She did? And you are suggesting she should live in her own house?" Haymitch lifts his eyebrows, "This reminds me, I'm going to ask Cinna for some birth control."

"What!" I nearly shout out. "What are you talking about?"

"It's this sort of medicine women take in the Capitol to prevent pregnancy. Of course it's not available in any of the districts, but I'm thinking you guys need it."

I feel the blood rise to my cheeks at his implication and have to suppress the urge to slap him. Instead I take a deep breath and look at him intently. "Haymitch. We. Don't. Need. That." I say distinctively, "Katniss and I are not sleeping together."

"But you are," Haymitch answers with a wide grin on his face, as if it's the best joke ever. "You just told me you slept together last night."

I decide not to play along with him, instead I cut right to the chase, "But we're not having sex, we're not in that sort of a relationship."

"Yet," Haymitch says, "But Katniss and I are right, Peeta. Once you two are married you're going to live together and it's going to happen. Don't tell me you don't want it."

"I don't want it," I say, furious at Haymitch and everything he implies. "I don't want it because she doesn't want it and I'm going to make her live in her own house, I don't want her in mine." I turn around on my heels and storm off to town. Not that I want to go to town, but I sure as hell don't want to stay here.

Once I'm in town I decide to visit my best friend, Nick. Since it is weekend now and there's no school today, I find him behind his house, playing a game of soccer with his younger brothers and some of the neighbor children. All of them older than six but younger than twelve. All of them eligible for reaping this year. The thought alone makes me nauseated and reminds me of Katniss's panic last night. I turn away from the playing kids and walk down the path in the direction of the Seam. Nick comes running after me. "Peeta, wait," he shouts and catches up with me. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"What isn't?" I say, "Those kids you're playing with, all of them eligible for reaping. Katniss in those wedding dresses last night. Haymitch suggesting this morning I'd sleep with her, as if she would want me to." I rake my hand through my hair and shake my head. "I told her she should stay in her own house after our forced marriage, but both she and Haymitch don't think that will work. People will get suspicious. If word got back to the Capitol we could be in some real trouble. So we have to marry and they're going to force us to have kids too, I'm certain of that."

"In that case Haymitch was right about the sleeping together," Nick smiles. But when he sees the expression in my face he puts his arm around my shoulder. "Sorry, bad joke. But why do you want her to stay in her own house?"

"Because I don't want to force her into anything she doesn't want to do." I say.

"You're not the one who's forcing her," Nick says, "You have to stop being so hard on yourself, Peeta. This isn't your fault."

"But it is, I was the one who initiated that whole star-crossed lovers thing. I knew she had something going on with Gale." I tell him.

"Come on, that's such nonsense. You were only trying to give her an edge." Nick says, "You couldn't know it would play out like this and she has played her part in the outcome, too. You are so good in placing the blame all on yourself. But she was there too, and you're in this together. Talk to her, already."

I know he's right, but I don't know how to do it. Still, if what Haymitch said about the wedding being in April is true, I don't have much time left to dodge around the ball.

Nick stops me and goes to stand in front of me. He places his hands on my shoulders. "I mean it, Peeta. Talk to her."

"I will," I say.

"Good man, I hate to see you so sad. Make something of your life. If you can't have what you want, then do it with what you've got. In the end, at least you get to marry the girl that you love."

I can't help but smile at Nick's ability to make something positive out of every situation.

After dinner at my parents' house I head back to the Victor's Village. When I'm about to enter my house Katniss comes running towards me. "Where were you?" she asks, "I thought you were going to walk to town with me?"

"I know, I'm sorry," I tell her, "I was… I got distracted."

She narrows her eyes at me, clearly not believing what I said. "Peeta, listen. We have to talk about what you said this morning, about me staying in my own house. I know it isn't easy, for neither of us. But I don't think living apart after the wedding is a solution," she reaches out and grabs my hand, squeezing it tightly. "It's too dangerous, if Snow finds out."

"But I-" I start, but Katniss interrupts me. "I know you want things differently. But we don't have a choice. We have the safety of our families to consider as well."

"What about your family, though," I say, "Your mother and Prim. Where will they live? And what about Gale, huh? You want to invite him over for dinner on Sundays. How will that work, Katniss?"

She gives a deep sigh and shakes her head. "I don't know how that will work, but he'll have to understand. And my mom and Prim, maybe they can keep the house. Or we could all live together, these houses are big enough."

"I guess so," I reply. "I'm tired, Katniss. I'm off to bed."

"Okay," she answers and lets go of my hand. Her face looks so sad all of a sudden. "Did you talk to Haymitch today?" she asks.

"I did, he said he's going to help us with the Games," I say, "I told you he'd do that. Goodnight, Katniss."

"Goodnight," she whispers and I turn around, enter my house and close the door behind me. I am alone.

I don't sleep. It's almost impossible without her. I feel lost and despite my talk to Nick and the decision Katniss and I made to live together after our marriage, I'm not able to let go of the feeling of anxiety and depression that keeps me from sleeping. Eventually I get out of bed and go to the room I changed into a studio, where I do my paintings. I paint Katniss, asleep in my arms. Not troubled by nightmares but peacefully and happy. Would that be possible, somewhere in our future?

When dawn breaks I go downstairs to bake cheese buns and some other loaves of bread. Only when the sun is fully visible in the sky I go out to see Haymitch before he leaves for the Capitol. It's still so weird that he's going. He never went anywhere before. He still doesn't want to tell me anything about his mysterious trip, though, but he does say he'll bring back pills for Katniss to take. I don't react but tell him to say hi to Cinna from me. "And will you see Portia too, or Effie?" I ask.

"Thank goodness no," Haymitch says, "That woman gets on my nerves and twice a year was already way too much. Oh, but Portia, I don't know if she'll be there."

"If she's there, send her my greetings, will you?" I say.

"Will do. Now take care of yourself and of Katniss. Make sure she doesn't start any riots when I'm gone, she's crazy enough for it." Haymitch claps me on the shoulder and takes off. We both know Katniss won't start anything. After the shut down and Gale's whipping, people are scared, and the new peacekeepers still rule with an iron hand. For a riot you need people, and as long as they're not willing, it's not possible.

Haymitch stays away for about six days. In that time nothing eventful happens. I see Katniss twice for a short time. I help my parents out a couple of times more in the bakery, since Brannick has caught the flu. And at night I don't sleep. On the night before the day Haymitch should be coming back, I finally do fall asleep on the couch of my studio. I startle awake somewhere in the middle of the night, strip myself of my clothes and fall into my bed. But before I fall back to sleep I hear a faint stumbling downstairs. At first I'm thinking I imagined it, but there it is again, as if someone's pounding at my door. I sit up straight in bed and when I hear the pounding for the third time I'm sure of it. There's someone at my door, and at this time of the night, it can only be one person. Before I can think it through I'm off the stairs and opening the front door. Katniss flings herself at me, wearing only a thin nightgown and slippers that are completely soaked from the soggy ground. She's shivering through and through and sobbing against my neck. With one foot I close the door while I scoop her up in my arms and after discarding her slippers, I carry her up the stairs. Carefully I lay her down in my bed, get a towel from the bathroom and dry her soaked and frozen feet. Then I tuck her in and climb into the bed next to her and cradle her in my arms. "I'm sorry for waking you," she whispers.

"It's okay," I answer, "Was it a dream?"

She nods against my bare chest, "I didn't know what else to do." I feel the warm moisture of her tears on my chest and stroke her cheek with my hand. "You can always come here," I say, "You're not alone."

This is where I realize again the impossibility of keeping my distance from her. I can't not be there for her, not when she needs me so desperately. Even if her feelings aren't mutual, even if it makes me sad and disappointed, I have to hold her in my arms and calm her down. And be here, always.

"I know," her voice comes in a whisper, "Thank you."

"Go back to sleep," I say and I kiss her on top of her head.

But then, suddenly, she lifts her head and puts a hand on my cheek. Her face very close to mine and then her lips touch mine, very soft, very warm. She kisses me once and then places her head on my chest again.

This time, our sleeping together is different than a week ago. Now I only wear shorts and Katniss has this thin gown with straps and a low neckline. The bare skin of her arms and shoulders is pressed against mine and her hand lies on my abdomen. I feel every inch of her through the nightgown and it feels like electricity shooting through my veins. How am I supposed to sleep now?


	3. Fall out

**Chapter 3 – Fall out**

**_Katniss_**

I wake up in the strong and warm embrace of Peeta's bare arms. Despite the lingering feeling of guilt over the fact that I'm using him, I can't help but feel grateful for the sense of security he gives me. Right now I'm extremely aware of the proximity of him and the lack of clothing between us. Most of the times we've slept together we were both either fully dressed or wore pajamas that pretty much covered everything. But not now. Because I rushed out of my house without thinking. After six nights of nightmares I just couldn't hold back anymore. And maybe I should finally admit to myself that I need him. That the reason I rejected his idea to keep living apart was not because of the threat of Snow looming over us, but because I don't want to live apart from him. Because he is the only one that makes me feel safe.

After Gale's whipping I decided I couldn't be with Peeta. That our relationship was a design of the Capitol, forced upon us. But that's not entirely true. There's something there that's real. Why else would I be here right now? These thoughts usually confuse me and my natural instinct is to push them away. But now, with the wedding so close, it's time to face the facts. I need him, I want him.

My body wants him too. I can feel it. My hand is tracing patterns over the muscles in his abdomen and I want more. I kissed him yesterday evening, but it's not enough anymore. We've kissed many times, many staged kisses, but last night was an impulsive kiss, to thank him for everything he does for me. For his willingness to throw his lot in with mine entirely when I give him so little in return. I guess it's time for that to change.

I shift my leg over him and that's when I feel it, unmistakably hard against my thigh. Peeta has an erection. I feel the blush come on my cheeks and at the same time there's a strong feeling of curiosity and anticipation inside of me. How would he look like? How would it feel if I touched him? I want to know. I shift my body so that my face is next to his. He has his eyes closed but I'm sure he isn't sleeping. Without hesitation I press my lips against his. I feel his lips part and react to me. I stroke with my tongue over his bottom lip and then enter his mouth, searching for him. Peeta's arm presses me tighter to him and I roll on top of him, my legs on either side and now I feel his erection against my center, with an unexplainable boldness I press myself against him and he moans against my mouth. The feeling is like nothing I ever felt before and a warmth rushes through my body, making me curious, making me want more.

**_Peeta_**

Katniss wakes me with her hand on my abdomen, tracing patterns over my muscles. Her entire being, so close to me and so warm, brings me an unplanned but also insurmountable erection. Before I can do anything to hide that from her, she's on top of me and kissing me like she's never done before. She rotates her hips so that my penis gets pressed against her and I have to restrain myself to not roll her over, undress her and bury myself inside of her. My arms are around her and I feel her warmth against me, knowing she feels it too. The arousal, the strong feeling of needing more, wanting more. It's like all my fantasies suddenly coming true and I don't understand it. What is happening here?

Suddenly I realize that I need explanations. I can't just let her do this without knowing what's going on inside of her. So before she grinds into me again, making it impossible for me to focus, I roll her off of me and go to lie on my side, putting a little bit of distance between us.

Katniss looks a bit shocked, "What's wrong?" she asks, "Did I do something wrong?"

I look at her and shake my head. "No, you didn't do anything wrong. But I don't understand what's happening here and I need to understand before we go any further."

She stares at me but doesn't answer and I can tell she has a hard time trying to find the words to say, her cheeks blush beet red. Katniss was never any good at words, and now that she exposed herself to me like this, she's at a loss of them entirely.

"Listen, Katniss," I decide to help her out, "I liked what you were doing. I want you, you know that. But what about you? What do you want? I don't want you to do this because you feel like we have to. Or because you think we're getting married and they'll force us to have sex."

"I wasn't thinking about that at all," Katniss replies in a small voice.

"You weren't?" I ask, genuinely surprised, because it seemed like the only logical reason. Katniss shakes her head and I ask, "What were you thinking about then?"

I… uhm," she stumbles, "I… I don't know."

"You don't know?" I ask, and suddenly I feel a rush of anger surging through me, replacing all the excitement from only a minute ago. Does she really think she can drive me crazy with her body without any good reason? If she wants to sleep with someone, why won't she go to Gale instead? Maybe he doesn't mind being used, but right now, I do. I mind. And I'm not going to accept it. I'm not going to let her do this to me and then abandon me again, like she did before. "Maybe you should figure it out first," I snap at her, "And then throw yourself at me." I shift to the side of the bed, put on my prosthetic and stand up. "I'm going to take a shower." Without looking at her I walk to the bathroom, close the door behind me and sink down on the edge of the bathtub. What did I just do? Why did I push her away from me like that? If I'm perfectly honest with myself, I know the reason. I don't want her like this. I want her to want me, and if she can't even say that, if she can't even give me a reason for her behavior, then what is it that we're doing? The boundaries are so unclear to me. With a deep sigh I turn around and turn on the water for a shower and wonder, will she still be there when I get out of here? Probably not.

**_Katniss_**

I stare at the ceiling of Peeta's bedroom, my cheeks still red from the humiliation I just experienced. He rejected me, it's as simple as that, and it hurts. I can't say that I blame him though, I mostly blame myself. "What were you thinking then?" he asked me. The answer was so simple. "You, I was thinking about you and how amazing you are." But no, I couldn't say it. The words didn't want to leave my mouth and I ruined it because of that. I know the reason too, it's because I'm too scared. Too scared to really bind myself to him, to the possibility of a future with him. And it's so stupid, because we're going to have that future anyway, despite what I want or what I'm afraid of. It could be so much easier if I could just admit my feelings to him and to myself as well. That way, we could marry without regret, without it being fake. It's not that I want to marry, that never was a part of my plan. But now that I have to, there's no one else I want to be married to, or have sex with. But Peeta, he probably thinks I'm using him. That I need his arms to guard me from nightmares. And that's true too, I need him for that. But I'd be lying if I said that that's all there is. There's more, I just don't want to give into it. Afraid to lose control. What he is willing to do, throw his lot in with mine, that's exactly what I'm not willing to do. It's frightening me even though it's thrilling at the same. To feel his hands on me, to feel his erection pressed against my thigh. Just the thought of it makes me shudder. Can I stay here until he comes back and explain all this to him?

I can't, I know I can't. If I can't even tell him what I need to say in the moment he asks me, then how can I say it now. After he left me cold and alone like this. There's no way I'll get it past my lips that I need him, that I want him. The only thing I can think of to do is get out of this bed and out of this house to go back to my own. Leaving things all awkward and uneasy between us. Why do I make such a mess of things?

After another minute of cursing myself, I get up and walk downstairs. There I find my slippers and I recall what happened last night. "You can always come here," Peeta had said, "You are not alone." But I am. Especially now that I breached our boundaries and with that effectively ruined our friendship.

Wearing only my nightgown and slippers, I run over the grass from Peeta's house to mine, silently thanking heaven that Haymitch isn't here and no one else lives in the village. So no one's seen me and hopefully my mother and sister are still asleep when I enter our house.

No such luck. As soon as I enter the kitchen, Prim comes towards me, looking at me questioningly. "Don't ask," I say as I sink down on a chair.

"Let me make you some tea," she says as she walks over to the stove.

With my hands wrapped around the hot mug of tea I sink back in the chair.

"Were you at Peeta's?" Prim asks and I nod. She narrows her eyes at me, "What's wrong, tell me?"

I look at my little sister in wonder, thinking how she's grown so much since the reaping. As if the hardships we've endured forced her to grow up way too fast.

"You can tell me, Katniss," she says again, "I'll understand and I won't tell mom. It has to do with Peeta, hasn't it?" She looks at me all serious and I slowly nod again.

Maybe it is a good idea to let Prim in on my troubles, I think, although I don't see how she would know what to do. In any case, it's not safe to discuss this inside of the house so I suggest to get dressed and walk her to school.

Once we're on our way I tell her that I'm worried about our marriage and that Peeta thinks I don't love him as much as he loves me.

"Is he right about that?" Prim asks, "About how you feel about him? How do you feel, really?"

"Mostly scared," I confess, "President Snow wasn't convinced of my love for Peeta and I'm afraid he'll retaliate. He'll punish us in some way."

"So you'll think he'll punish you if you don't show him you love Peeta?" Prim asks.

"Pretty much, yes." I agree.

"So the question is, how do you feel about Peeta?" Prim says and again I wonder where my little sister went, and who this woman is, walking next to me. "Well?" she says, when I stay quiet too long.

"Listen, Katniss. He loves you, you know that. But he needs to know how you feel as well." Prim says, "You can't sleep at his house, in his bed, without being honest and clear about that."

"It's just really difficult," I reply.

"No, it's not difficult at all. You have to be honest to him and to yourself. You can't fool me with this either. I know there's something there between the two of you. Why else would you sleep with him?"

"I'm not sleeping with him," I say defensively, "I mean, we're just sleeping, that's all."

"It's fine with me, Katniss, really. I don't mind. But you still haven't answered my question about what you feel for him." Prim says.

I take in a deep breath and come to a stop, since we've almost reached the square and I don't want people to overhear our conversation. "Honestly, Prim, he means the world to me. But I don't know how to deal with it and I'm too scared."

"But why?" Prim says, "If he's so important to you, why can't you be with him? Because the Capitol forces you to marry him? That doesn't make sense at all."

She's right, it doesn't make sense. I look at her and bite my lip. "Go talk to him," Prim says, "I have to go to school, see you later?"

She gives me a hug and takes off. I turn around and stroll back to the Victor's Village, dreading going back and talking to Peeta, even though it would probably only make things easier.

"Katniss," I hear a familiar voice behind me.

"You're back," I say and wait for Haymitch to catch up with me. "How was your trip?"

"Great," Haymitch says, "Cinna says hi. They have the best liquor in the Capitol, I'll miss that. But hey, I've brought something for you. You have to take one every day, there's a description with it."

"What? What is it?" I ask while he hands me a plastic bag.

"It's birth control. I told you I was going to get it for you, didn't I?" Haymitch says.

"No you didn't. What do I need this for?" I feel my cheeks burning red again.

"What do you think?" Haymitch says, "It's to prevent pregnancy. Right, I remember, I didn't tell you, I told Peeta. He reacted the same way as you did just now. Oh and as long as we're on the subject. They've set the date. The wedding is going to be on the 20th of April. Effie will collect us all on the 18th to escort us to the Capitol."

I don't know how to react so we walk back to the Victor's Village in silence. I'm thinking back to this morning and how Peeta refused me and how he knew Haymitch was bringing this stuff back with him. What must it be like for him? He didn't want to get married to me in the first place. And I, I don't know what to do about it. How can I even go talk to him now? What can I say? 'Peeta, I love you, here's some birth control, so let's go shack up.'

I don't see it working. So despite what Prim said, once we arrive in the village I walk right past his house and head to my own. In the kitchen my mother is busy with a patient and after a muttered greeting I hurry to my room and sink down on my bed. The plastic bag still clutched in my hand.

**_Peeta_**

Like I expected, the bedroom is empty when I come out of the shower. Of course she didn't wait for me to return and declare me her love. But still, a part of me hoped for it. Why else did she kiss me like she did, and touch me in that way. I just wanted her to admit it, but instead I scared her away.

How long will it take this time for her to show up at my door again? A part of myself wants to hit me on the head for this. I'm going round and round in circles, wanting her to come sleep with me and when she does, I push her away because I'm afraid she'll use me. Maybe next time I should reject her immediately, or kiss her instead. I'm going back and forth between my options and feel like I'm completely stuck in the situation.

I shake my head to clear it and go downstairs for breakfast and baking bread. After an hour or so I see them coming down the road. Haymitch and Katniss. In her hand a plastic bag, a baffled look on her face. Haymitch isn't looking particularly happy either and I remember the conversation we had the other day.

"I'm going to ask Cinna for some birth control," Haymitch had said, "It's this sort of medicine women take in the Capitol to prevent pregnancy. Of course it's not available in any of the districts, but I'm thinking you guys need it."

What a joke. I thought he was wrong because she wouldn't want it, but it turns out I'm the one who pushed her away. I need to talk to her, I need to try to fix this. Not today, I tell myself, let's just go ask Haymitch how his journey was.

I find him in his kitchen, and it seems as if he's completely sober for a change. I wonder what brought that on. "Hey Peeta," he says when he sees me, "Got me some bread?"

"Sure do," I say and hand him a loaf. "How was the Capitol?"

"Same old, same old," Haymitch says vaguely, "Weird people, an overdose of food and drinks. It was tiring. But I did bring Katniss the medicine."

I shake my head, "What did she say?"

"Nothing," Haymitch answers, "The wedding date is set, by the way. April 20th it is. Both your families are invited, that is, Mrs. Everdeen, Prim, your parents and your brothers. No one else. I guess they didn't want the Hawthornes there, since they're not really related to Katniss and it only complicates things."

"Great," I mutter.

"Yeah, great," says Haymitch, "We're going to have a blast."


	4. Be free

**Chapter 4 – Be free**

Three days later there's a knock on my door. Would that be Katniss? I haven't seen her or spoken to her since our fall out the other day. I do mean to talk to her soon, I just need to find the courage. When I open the door, it's Prim standing on my doorway. "Hi Peeta," she smiles at me, "Can I come in?"

"Of course," I open the door wide and let her in. "Do you want some tea?"

Together we walk to the kitchen where I was just busy baking cookies. "I'd love some," Prim says, "And a cookie?" She gives me such a sweet smile that I couldn't possibly deny her anything.

She sets herself at the table while I make her some tea. A fresh batch of cookies rests on the counter and I hand her one together with the tea. "How are you?" I ask her while she sips her tea.

"I'm good, I'm actually excited for your wedding next month, I hope you don't mind?" she tells me.

"I don't," I say and I can't help but smile at her. "How's Katniss?"

Prim shakes her head at my question. "She hasn't come to talk to you, has she?"

"No, was she supposed to?"

"I told her to talk to you," Prim says, "She's been upset ever since the Quarter Quell announcement and the only nights she's gotten a decent sleep were the ones she spent with you."

"I'm sorry, I think I drove her away the last time," I confess.

"That's not it, I'm sure," Prim says, "But I was hoping, since she hasn't been here, that you would come over to our place. Maybe for dinner?"

"You really think that's a good idea?" I ask her while I pour her a second cup of tea.

"Peeta, you're getting married in a month, you two have to do something about this situation. You have to make it work." It amazes me that Prim sounds so much older than she really is.

"People keep telling me that," I say, "Okay, I'll come to dinner."

It's strange that out of all the people who told me to do something about this situation, Prim is the only one that really gets to me, really makes me see that I'll have to make the effort. She's just like her sister, when it comes to the effect she has on people. With the only difference that she's more aware of that and uses it wisely. I smile at her and give her another cookie.

"Great," she says happily and takes a bite.

That evening when I enter Katniss's kitchen, she's alone and already sitting at the set table. The first thing I notice is that she looks exhausted. The dark circles under her eyes indicate the lack of sleep from the last week and a half. I go to sit on the other side of the table and look at her. "You don't look very well," I say.

"Thanks," she answers sarcastically, "You look great too."

"Look, Katniss, I'm sorry about the other day," I start, but before I can say anything else Prim walks in and gives us both a wide smile. "Hi Peeta, good of you to come."

Behind her Haymitch appears in the door opening. "Having a party here, I'm not invited?"

"Sure you are, Haymitch," Prim says and waves him in, "Come on in."

Mrs. Everdeen enters the room as well and we have dinner with the five of us. Thanks to Prim's cheerful nature and the fact that Haymitch isn't really drunk, it's not that bad. But at the end of the evening I realize I still need to talk to Katniss alone. Haymitch says he needs to go home to find some alcohol and when I suggest I walk with him, Katniss gets up as well. "I'll go with you."

We say goodnight to Mrs. Everdeen and Prim and leave for Haymitch's house with the three of us.

"So, how are the preparations going for the big wedding," Haymitch says once we're outside.

"What preparations?" Katniss asks, "Do we need to prepare anything?"

"Yes, you need to prepare your relationship," Haymitch answers, "That act of ignoring each other for six months is not going to work any longer. So fix it. Fix it fast."

With that he enters his house, leaving us dumbfounded. Katniss casts me a glance and I decide to take initiative by taking her hand. "Come on, let's take a walk."

"Again?" she says with a small smile, "It's getting repetitive."

"But it's the way to truly speak our mind," I tell her.

She nods but no words are coming, so we walk hand in hand in silence for about five minutes. Then Katniss finally starts talking, "Cinna's coming next week."  
>"Oh, what for?" I ask.<br>"He's going to do my mother's and Prim's measurements for dresses. Prim's going to be a bridesmaid." Katniss says, her voice sounds hollow. "She's pretty excited about it."  
>"She did tell me she was excited," I reply and then we fall silent again.<br>After another few minutes Katniss says, "It's your birthday, this week, right?"  
>"Yeah, the 21st of March, I'll turn seventeen," I tell her.<br>"Seventeen," Katniss says, "It's such a crazy young age to get married. I'll be sixteen still the 20th of April."  
>"I know," I answer and I bite my lip, feeling the anxiety about this creeping up on me. Marriage is for life and if we want to make it work, we have to start talking. "Katniss, I'm sorry," I blurt out.<br>"For what?" she asks, surprised.  
>"For walking out on you like I did the other day. Leaving things all awkward between us."<br>"I figured that was my fault," she says softly, staring at the ground.

"Either way, Haymitch is right. We have to fix this. I don't know how. Maybe just… start acting normal again or something?" I suggest.

"What is normal?" Katniss asks, "I don't think normalcy is an option anymore."

Her voice sounds so desperate that I can't do anything but hold out my arms and pull her into an embrace. I bury my head in her neck. Her hold on me is strong, and I even consider it a weakness, but it's all I can do to comfort her as much as possible. To make everything a little more bearable, although I don't know if me hugging her will really help. But then her arms circle around my neck and she pulls me close to her. I smell the scent of pine needles in her hair and press my lips against her neck to kiss her softly. I let myself drown in her and she allows me, still holding me tight. She's pressing her whole body closer still, not wanting to let me go.

We stand there for a long time, not saying anything else, just holding on. What is there to say really? We'll get married in a month, the reaping will be in four months, we'll have to mentor those kids. That's what's going to happen, and it will happen anyways.

**_Katniss_**

I felt horrible these last few days. After Haymitch handed me those pills I couldn't think of anything else then the feel of Peeta beneath me in his bed. I don't know why exactly, but I started taking the pills and every time I took one I was reminded of that morning. The memory made the blood rush to my cheeks but somehow I wasn't able to tell him how I felt and with that I pushed him away. Why am I hurting him instead of being there for him? As if all of this is easy for him? I've silently thanked Prim when she took the lead in this and invited Peeta over for dinner. But now that we're walking here in the Victor's Village I still don't know what to say. When Peeta holds out his arms, I'm willingly turning my body towards him and then I wrap my arms tightly around his neck. He pulls me in close and buries his face in my hair. Warmth radiates from the spot where his lips just touch my neck, slowly spreading through the rest of me. It feels so good, so impossibly good, that I know I will not be the first to let go. And why should I? So we stand in each other's arms and I can't help but enjoy his warmth, his strength and the smell of cinnamon and dill that always surrounds him.

I want to be with him. I know he is the only one who can make me feel safe. But how can I even bring it up after what happened between us? Still, I know I don't have a choice. Haymitch and Prim pointed it out very clearly. I need to get ready for this wedding, get over myself already and just do it. But for that, I need to sleep, and to sleep, I need Peeta. He promised me I wasn't alone in this so I'm hoping he'll let me in his bed again. Even though I'm reaching this conclusion while being wrapped up in his embrace, I'm still too afraid to ask and I'm so exhausted that the mere fact of holding on to him makes me cry. I don't want to be weak like this, this is not me. But I just don't have the energy to be strong anymore.

Peeta senses my state of mind and pulls away a little to look at my face, "Hey, what's wrong?" he asks, genuine concern in his voice.

"It's nothing," I whisper, "I'm just so tired, I can't even think straight."

"Prim told me you weren't sleeping well," he says, "Nightmares?"

I nod and pull him close to me again, hiding my face in his coat, enjoying every small piece of comfort I can find. "Katniss," his voice sounds worried, "It's clear that you're not doing so well with all this. But you need to sleep."

"I can't sleep," I say, and almost inaudibly I add, "Not without you."

I hear him letting out a deep sigh and then I feel his cheek on my head and his arms tighten around me. "Then sleep with me," he says.

I look up into his brilliant blue eyes, even in the night sky they shine so that I can see the deep blue color. "Are you sure?" I ask.

"Of course I'm sure," he replies with a smile and then he leans into me and gives me a kiss. It's very brief and I don't even get the change to react, but the warmth spreads out over my whole body. "Come," he says as he breaks away from our embrace and takes my hand again, "We're going to sleep now."

After a few nights of sleeping in Peeta's arms, I start feeling better. On the morning of his birthday I'm bold enough to kiss him as a way of congratulating him. It's not a real kiss, just a chaste kiss on his lips, but still, I feel we're moving forward. Peeta goes to his parents for his birthday, he asked me if I wanted to come for dinner, since his parents would like to get to know me better. Of course they'd want that, since I'm marrying their son, so I reluctantly agree. The prospect of meeting them isn't pleasant, but it's part of this new life and I have to accept it. Luckily for me, Peeta invited my mom and Prim as well, so I don't have to go alone.

Before we go there though Prim and I decide to make a birthday cake for Peeta. It's nice to do something fun with my sister, we haven't done anything together for such a long time. It was her idea, actually, to bake a cake for him. As soon as Peeta leaves for town, we sneak into his kitchen to do the baking, because he has better supplies, obviously.

We make a chocolate vanilla marble cake from a recipe in one of Peeta's cookbooks. Of course we have never made anything like this before, since it's impossible to get hold of these ingredients if you live in the Seam. I guess being a victor does have its benefits. The cake succeeds fairly well, no thanks to me. I almost let it burn, but Prim is just in time with getting it out of the oven.

Together with my mom we walk to the town square to have dinner with the Mellark family. Since it's Peeta's birthday there's a cheerful mood and I find out Peeta's brothers are rather funny. It's too bad their fun is at my expense though, because of how well my cake turned out to be. I should've never baked a cake for a baker, that was destined to fail. Peeta himself comes to my aid though, saying he's impressed by my skills. But then his mother says I'm a fitting wife for a baker and somehow the word 'wife' coming from her mouth, messes up my mood.

Fortunately the evening has already come to an end by then and Peeta suggests to leave.

The next morning, when I wake up in Peeta's arms again, I feel well rested and restless. I want to go do something. Preferably hunting with Gale, since it's Sunday. But hunting is out of the question, and Gale works seven days a week now. Thinking about Gale while lying in Peeta's arms doesn't work well with me. It makes me feel guilty and uncomfortable. As if I've been lying to them, to both of them. But what am I supposed to do? I can't see him anymore, since he's always working, and he knows our wedding is set. It's been officially announced on a mandatory broadcast. I'm getting more restless and sit up suddenly. "I'm going out," I tell Peeta, "I'm going to do a round through the Seam."

"Do you need some bread?" he asks, "I have baked a lot this past week, you can hand it out."

"Thanks," I tell him, "That would be great."

With my game bag stuffed with food I enter the Hawthorne's house, to find Gale sitting at the kitchen table. "Hi," I say, "I didn't expect you here. Is everything okay?" Seeing him makes me feel uncomfortable but at the same time I'm afraid they made him leave the mines for some reason, leaving him without a job.

"Yes, I'm fine" he answers, although he sounds a bit hollow, "They decided seven days in the mines was too much. People got too tired, we didn't reach our quotas. Apparently people work better if they have a day of rest every week." He sounds sarcastic and I give him a smile.

"Wow, they figured that out all on their own?" I ask, "Smart people."

I empty my game bag on the table and Hazelle hands a cheese bun to each of her kids. Gale refuses though, "I don't want his bread," he says coldly and walks out of the door. At first I'm too shocked to react but then I turn around and follow him to the meadow. We come to a stop at the fence. The humming sound tells us it's alive with electricity.

"We should have run when you asked me to," Gale tells me quietly, after a couple of minutes of silence. "We could still go, you know. Just you and me?"

I stare at him, not quite knowing how to react. Gale takes my hand in his and squeezes it. "The electricity is not always on. In the evening they mostly take it off. We could try it. Be free, run with me, Katniss."

Be free. Everything inside me screams yes. I want to be free and it's like the woods are calling for me to come. But there's a certainty that dawns on me now, because of Gale's request. I can't say yes to him and leave Peeta. I can't leave Peeta. It would mean damage beyond repair for me, because I need him and I can't live without him. This sudden realization makes my heart skip a beat and leaves me speechless for a while. Peeta. How did I never see this before? I told Prim he means the world to me, but I didn't know the debt of it then. Now I do and it confuses me even more since I'm standing here in front of Gale, who's asking me to run with him.

Gale is looking at me expectantly, waiting for an answer. I don't know what to tell him. "What about Prim?" I ask instead, not having the guts to bring Peeta into this conversation.

"Prim and your mother can manage without us, I'm sure," Gale says, "We can't bring them with us, it's too dangerous. We should go with the two of us."

"I can't leave them behind, Gale." I say, "You know I can't. Or Haymitch, or Peeta. I can't do that."

"Why not?" he asks, and I hear the hidden anger in his voice at the mentioning of Peeta's name. "Why can't you come with me, Katniss? Don't you want to be free?"

I wonder what he means with this. Be free of whom? The Capitol? Or does he think I need to become free of Peeta? I'm thinking he probably means both and the implication makes me so sad.

"I do," I whisper and I feel the tears sting in my eyes, because I can feel him slipping away from me and I don't want that. I don't want to lose my best friend. "But it's not possible, Gale. They'll catch us and kill us."

"No, they won't!" Gale's shouting now, "And that's not the reason why you don't want to go. Why can't you be honest with me and tell me you love him, and not me?"

I'm dumbfounded at his outburst and stare into his silver grey eyes in silence. And Gale, who I have never seen cry, has tears in his eyes. To keep them from spilling over, I reach forward and take his face in my hands. "Gale," I whisper. But I don't know what else to say. I can't tell him he's wrong. I can't tell him I'll run with him. I don't have anything to say and he knows it, so he brusquely pulls away from me. "The only way I get your attention is when I'm in pain," he says, "Don't worry, Katniss. It'll pass." He leaves before I can answer.

I'm too upset and weary to work through his charge. Instead I decide to call it a day and walk back home. I spend the rest of the day sitting on the couch and in the evening I call Peeta to tell him I'm staying home tonight. It feels wrong to go to him now, and I need to think about what to do with Gale. What to tell him the next time I see him. How to maintain our friendship, if there's anything left to maintain. It's something I need to do alone, so this night I go to sleep in my own bed, feeling cold and alone and missing the warmth of Peeta's embrace. But my thoughts are with Gale and our woods. Be free, be free. I want it so badly, but I don't know how.

**A/N I am sorry to announce that I have to take a short break from writing since I have RSI (repetitive strain injury)**

**As soon as I am better I'll continue, I promise!**


	5. What keeps my heart beating

**Trigger warning: this chapter contains some mild smuttiness**

**Chapter 5 – What keeps my heart beating**

_Peeta and I are walking hand in hand towards the aisle. People are staring at us, clapping and screaming and touching us. I'm wearing a white wedding dress, so big and uncomfortable that I have trouble moving. Someone yanks at my shoulder and with the sudden pull I let go of Peeta's hand. He disappears from my side almost immediately. "Peeta!" I yell. _

_"__Katniss!" his voice is already far in the distance and the people from the Capitol are closing in on me, tearing my dress apart, hurting me. "PEETA!" I shout out, "Peeta, where are you!?"_

I wake up bathing in sweat and look around me. My bed is empty, I'm alone and I start to panic. Where is he? Why isn't he here? He's gone, they killed him. "Peeta!" I shout again, anxiety getting the better of me. When I don't get any answer I'm absolutely sure he's gone and I lose it. I'm screaming his name over and over again. "Peeta, please come back. Peeta!" Tears are running over my cheeks and I'm shaking all over. "Peeta!"

The door opens and my mother and Prim come running in. "Katniss, what's wrong?" The sight of them doesn't reassure me at all and I'm lost for breath. My eyes wide with shock. "Where is he? Peeta! Peeta!" I grasp my sister's arm. "He's gone, I lost him." I know I'm screaming but I can't seem to calm down.

"No, Katniss, no," she says as she wraps her arm around me, my mother sits down on the other side of the bed and takes my hand. "He's not gone, he's at his own house," Prim says.

"But… no," I answer, still completely overwhelmed and convinced that something terrible happened to him. "He's gone, they killed him."

"Katniss, look at me," my mother says and I turn towards her, "He's sleeping in his own house, in his own bed. No one killed him, you just chose to sleep here tonight, that's all."

"No," I shake my head while the tears are still falling down and I start sobbing, "I don't believe you. I have to see him, I have to know."

I make to get up from the bed but my mother holds me back. "You're not going anywhere in the state you're in. Prim, can you call him?"

"I could go over to get him," Prim suggests.

"In the middle of the night?" my mother replies, "I don't think so, you call him, he'll wake from the phone, I'm sure. Just let it ring until he answers, okay?"

Prim lets go of me and leaves the room and my mother gently pushes me down into the pillows. "Now I need you to listen to me, Katniss, breath slowly, in and out. Like that yes, very good." She brushes my hair from my forehead and her voice is soothing, "Prim will call him and he will come. Nothing to worry about, it was just a dream."

"It was real," I whisper through my tears, "He's dead." My voice chokes on the words and I suddenly remember my conversation with Gale yesterday, how I realized I would be damaged beyond repair if I'd lose Peeta. This is how that feels like, and it feels horrible. Yet, a spark of hope flickers in me too, if I remember this about Gale, then my mother is probably right and it was just a dream. And Peeta's not dead. Still, I won't be a hundred percent sure until I see him and have him in my arms again.

**_Peeta_**

There's a ringing in my ears and at first I don't understand where it's coming from, but when I open my eyes and stare at my own ceiling in my own bedroom, I realize it's the phone. Judging by the darkness outside, it's somewhere in the middle of the night, which worries me instantly. Who would be calling me at this hour? I clasp on my prosthetic and hurry downstairs to the study. When I answer the phone a worried Prim is on the other side of the line. "Peeta, can you come over? Katniss is really upset, she's crying and mom and I can't seem to calm her down. Can you come?"

"Yes of course, but what happened? Is she hurt?" I ask, concerned.

"No, no, I think it was just a dream, but she's having some kind of panic attack and she's been calling for you." Prim sounds quite upset.

"I'm on my way," I tell her and disconnect the phone. In the hall I put on my shoes without bothering to double knot them. I'm only wearing my boxer shorts so I grab a sweater from the coat rack and pull it over my head. Still trying to get my arms into the sweater, I walk out of the house and run across the lawn to Katniss's house. Prim is standing in the doorway, an anxious expression in her eyes when she lets me in, not even commenting on my weird outfit. "She's in her bedroom," she says.

I hurry up the stairs and into Katniss's room. She's lying in her bed, her mother sitting next to her. "There he is," Mrs. Everdeen says and Katniss bolts right up and looks at me. Her face is tear streaked and more tears are falling on her cheeks as she sees me and stretches her arms out towards me. I immediately crawl onto the bed and pull her in my arms. "What's wrong?" I whisper against her hair while she clings to me tightly. "Don't cry, I'm here. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." I feel her fingers dig into my skin as she clutches to me and my heart aches for her, seeing her in pain like this. I wish I could do more than just hold her, I so badly want her to be happy.

Mrs. Everdeen gets up and touches my shoulder before she walks to the door, where Prim is standing. "Thank you for coming," she says to me and I see her blue eyes shine with tears. She must feel quite helpless when it comes to Katniss, to be grateful for a boy in her bed. She gives me a small smile and then gently pushes Prim out of the room. "Let them be, Prim. Go back to bed."

Mrs. Everdeen closes the door behind her and Katniss and I are alone. "What's wrong, honey?" I ask again.

"I'm sorry," she whispers against my chest.

"You don't have to be sorry, just tell me what's wrong. Prim called me saying you were really upset but I don't know why," I say while I keep stroking her arms. I feel she's shivering all over.

"It was just a dream," Katniss says, "But it felt so real. We were getting married but then they tore us apart and I lost you."

Her voice sounds so small and she looks so hurt, it aches me to see her like this. "You didn't lose me," I tell her, "I'm right here."

We're silent for a while as I kick off my shoes, take off the prosthetic and the sweater and crawl under the covers, Katniss pressed close to me.

"I was with Gale today," Katniss tells me. At the mentioning of his name my heart clenches. I'm still not sure about her feelings for him. She never told me what it is that they have, I only made assumptions and I don't know if they are correct. Does she love him?

"What happened?" I ask, since she doesn't elaborate further on her statement.

"We had a fight. He wanted me to run away with him, into the woods. God knows I wanted to say yes. To feel the freedom, the fresh air, the trees and animals around me." Katniss goes to sit up and looks at me. "To get rid of the threat of the Capitol looming over us," she whispers, "I would run if I could. But I couldn't say yes to him, because he wanted it to be just the two of us. How could I do that? I can't leave my family behind, or Haymitch. Or you. So I refused and he got mad."

The relief I feel at her words is greater than anything I've ever felt. _Or you_, she just said. She doesn't want to leave me behind. My heart swells at her revelation.

"I understand that you want to go," I say, "And I'm glad that you didn't. Do you still consider it an option though?" I'm thinking about the conversation we had on the day of Gale's whipping. How she suggested to leave back then and I never believed she would, I still don't honestly. Leaving this district behind and all the people in it, how could we do that? This is our home.

"I don't know. Gale got me so confused," Katniss says. "He doesn't understand."

"What doesn't he understand?" I ask quietly.

"That this, you and me, that it's not just Capitol made. That I need you," her voice is barely audible but my heart leaps at her words. "I'm sorry for not being honest with you about that. But it's true and it's something that dawned on me today. When Gale suggested to leave I realized I couldn't do it. Because I can't leave you."

I pull her tighter to me, not really sure what to say. For her to tell me she needs me, it's so uncharacteristic that I'm lost for words. "I'm sorry," Katniss says again.

"You don't have to be sorry," I tell her again, "I'm glad you're still here."

I'm about to press a kiss on her forehead when she turns her head towards me, so I go for her lips instead. She feels soft and warm against me when our lips touch and it makes the heat rush through me. Katniss wraps an arm around my neck and pushes me closer as our kiss deepens. She parts her lips and my tongue enters her mouth. I'm searching for her, to feel more, to be closer, my tongue finds hers and they twirl around each other. To kiss her like this, in her bed, without cameras or any act to uphold, I feel it in my toes, in my fingertips. And I want her. More of her.

Instead I pull away, remembering she's upset and I shouldn't take advantage when she's vulnerable like this. She looks at me questioningly, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I answer, "I was just thinking maybe you're tired and we should sleep."

She gives me a small smile and shakes her head slightly. "I'm not tired," she says and then presses her lips against mine again. Katniss continues to hold me in the kiss, refusing to let me pull away and all that time I'm getting more and more aroused as Katniss starts to roam her hands over my bare back and chest, flicking her fingers against my nipples, which makes me feel tingly and longing for more.

My own hands get more persistent too, sliding under her nightgown and stroking the small of her back. But when Katniss moans against my mouth I'm suddenly reminded that we're in her house and her mother and little sister are asleep in adjoining rooms. So I stop and pull away again. "Katniss, your mother, and Prim," I whisper. In the dim light of the lamp on the nightstand I see her cheeks burn red. "Maybe we should go to your house," she says.

"Now?" I ask, completely thrown off track by her suggestion. What is happening here? What is this sudden turn of events where she tells me she needs me and is willing to take this to the next step? I can't believe this is happening, and for a moment I'm so shocked it feels like my heart stops beating.

"Yes, now." She climbs out of the bed and puts on a robe over her nightgown. I'm dumbfounded as I sit up and stare at her while she puts on her shoes. "Come on," she says, "Or don't you want to?"

"Of course I want to," I say as I go to sit on the side of the bed to put on my prosthetic and my shoes. "It's just, I'm a little… I mean, I didn't expect…" I'm stumbling, not quite knowing what to say.

Katniss crosses over to me and takes my hand. "Let's go."

Back in my place we go to my bedroom, Katniss is holding my hand as she leads me up the stairs. Once we're in my room I pull her into an embrace and kiss her again. My hand cups her chin and the other is wrapped around her waist. Katniss has her arms around my neck, her fingers trailing through my hair while our mouths explore each other.

We break apart when we both have to catch our breath and Katniss lays her head against my chest. Her hands go under my sweater and with one smooth move she pulls it over my head.

All the while my mind reels. Thinking that she's kissing me, she's touching me. She just told me she needs me and that's as close to an I love you I could ever hope to get from her.

My hands travel down over her butt and I lift her up and walk with her to the bed, where I lay her down gently. She pulls me on top of her and kisses me again. I take off her robe and kiss her neck and collarbone. The strap of her nightgown slips down and reveals her breast. I lift my head and look into her eyes. "Can I touch you?" I ask her and she nods. Very slow, very gentle I move my hand up over her waist until I'm cupping her breast. It feels so warm and soft against my fingers. Slowly I caress it, rubbing the nipple between my thumb and forefinger. Katniss' moans urging me on and I bow down and kiss her breast, taking the nipple in my mouth and I suck on it. Her hands are in my hair, pulling me closer to her. My hand travels to her other breast, I remove the strap of her night gown and pull it down. My hands and lips exploring her upper body, kissing her, tasting her, it feels like heaven. I feel my erection pressed against her inner thigh and she starts moving her leg against it. I've never done anything like this with a girl before and I'm silently thanking my brothers for being blunt and open when it comes to sex, because I know what to do now, despite the nerves I feel. My hands are persistent as they travel down and slide under her panties. I look up again into her silver eyes, "Is this okay?" I whisper and she nods again. I take her panties off and look at her lying naked in my bed. She is so beautiful, I can't help but stare in admiration. My hands ache to touch her again, to make her feel heaven, to make her feel loved. I want her to forget about her troubles, about our marriage and the Quarter Quell to come. So I smile at her and whisper, "I'm going to let you see the stars."

Katniss widens her eyes in surprise when my hand slides between her legs to explore her. I'm watching her face closely to see how she reacts on my every move and that's how I know when I've hit the right spot. She closes her eyes and arches her back and I continue to move my finger against her center. My mouth finds her breast again and my tongue flicks against her nipples. When Katniss reaches her climax the sound of her voice is like music to my ears. Her whole body starts shaking and I get up and gather her in my arms. She presses her face against my chest and her arms are around me. "Where did you learn how to do that?" she asks after she comes down from her high.

"I… uh. It's not like I ever did this before," I tell her, "It's just, my brothers used to talk about this. A lot."

Katniss chuckles a bit and lifts her head to meet my eyes. "It was amazing, thank you."

"You're welcome," I whisper and kiss her on her lips.

"You know Haymitch gave me pills," Katniss says, "We could…"

I smile at her and caress her cheek. "Maybe some other time?"

"Why?" she asks, creasing her brow. "You don't want to?"

"Oh I want to. That's not it," I say, "I'm thinking maybe we should take our time. We're in no hurry, right?"

"We're getting married in a few weeks," Katniss whispers.

"So we'll have a few weeks," I say smiling, "To practice." I don't exactly know why I don't want to go all the way now, but I feel like we shouldn't rush into this. She only just told me she needed me and I want us to grow closer to go there together.

Katniss nods and lays her head against my chest again. "You know, the other day, when you asked me what I was thinking?" she asks.

"Yes?"

"I have an answer to that question," Katniss says, "I had the answer then too, but somehow couldn't say it, but I think I can say it now."

"What were you thinking about then?" I ask, holding my breath as I wait for her to answer.

"You," she whispers, "I was thinking about you."

I can't help but smile at her sweet reply and pull her a little closer to me. "What about me?" I say softly.

"I was thinking that I'm so grateful that you're here," she says while she reaches out a hand and caresses my face, "And that you're beautiful." With that she leans into me and we kiss again, soft and tender. She presses her body against me and I stroke her back while my heart sings. She thinks I'm beautiful. _She thinks I'm beautiful._

We fall asleep together, a soundless sleep. The last thought that enters my mind as I look at Katniss listening to my heart, is _you are what keeps my heart beating._

**_Katniss_**

My ear is pressed against Peeta's bare chest and I hear the steady beat of his heart. I'm thinking back on what he whispered to me, "I'm going to let you see the stars." And he did, just thinking about his fingers on me, his lips on my breasts, and the amazing feeling it gave me, it makes me shivers again. I feel Peeta's arms tighten around me, as if it's his natural reaction when he feels me tremble. It makes me feel so safe, so warm and unexpectedly happy that a smile creeps on my face and this is the first time I let myself think about our future together in a positive way. I'll be Mrs. Mellark soon and the idea doesn't make me flinch. Instead it makes me hopeful. Because it means Peeta'll be my husband, and we'll be together, visiting the stars. While sleep pulls me under, the rhythm of his heartbeat drums in my ear and travels with me in my dreams.

**A/N I'm still not doing well, but I wanted to give you my next chapter anyways. I hope to recover soon and continue writing. Thanks for your patience.**


	6. Safe and sound

**Chapter 6 – Safe and sound**

**_Katniss_**

I slept fine tonight but I'm restless in the morning. Peeta's still asleep so I decide to get up, put on some clothes and make us breakfast. Then I remember how we ran out of my house in the middle of the night and my mother probably has no idea where we are. I go into Peeta's study and call her. At the first ring she picks up.

"Mom, it's me," I hurry to say, "I forgot to tell you, we went to Peeta's house."

"I figured that," my mother says, "But I'm not sure about the reason?"

"I don't want to bother you and Prim with my nightmares," I tell her, surprised I can make up a lie so fast.

"And you don't mind Peeta being bothered with it?" I can hear in her voice she doesn't really believe me.

I suck in a deep breath before I answer. "I do mind. But I can't help it and he refuses to leave me alone, what can I say? And besides, we help each other. We're having breakfast here, okay? That's what I wanted to let you know." I feel slightly irritated and embarrassed by my mother questioning me about Peeta. After our Games I've tried to let her in more, and I have, but I'm still not really open with her, and somehow this comes too close.

"Okay, but Katniss, be careful," she adds, before she disconnects the phone with a click. I stare at it for a little while. She told me to be careful before. I wonder what she means by it. Should I be careful about sleeping with Peeta? Is it sex maybe, what she's warning me for? Or is it more, is she warning me for my heart? Well, if that's it, it's too late anyway. I'm already in too deep and I don't want to go back. My mind goes back to last night, his hands on me, his lips. And I know I want more, I want all of him.

With a new resolve I head to the kitchen to make us breakfast. When I return to the bedroom with a tray with food, Peeta's still asleep. It's not common for him to sleep in like this, most of the days he's awake before I am. He must be really exhausted after all the fitful nights we've had. Carefully I set the tray on the bedside table and then I go over to him and kiss him awake. He pulls me on top of him and we kiss for a long time. Without cameras, without acting, this is real. And it feels so much better than I ever expected. I feel that thing again, the thing I felt in the cave last year, when we kissed in order to get food from Haymitch. It's weird, Peeta and I have kissed many times since. But it's only now, since the announcement of the Quarter Quell that it really means something. Something intimate and real between us. The sensation inside me grows warmer and spreads out from my chest, down through my body, out along my arms and legs, to the tips of my being. Instead of satisfying me, the kisses have the opposite effect, of making my need greater. I thought I was something of an expert on hunger, but this is an entirely new kind.

I pull away the blanket that's covering him so I can feel and see his bare chest, his muscled abdomen. My hands trail over his body and come to rest just above the elastics of his shorts. I slip one finger under it and stroke the soft skin of his thigh. All this time we're still kissing and I sense his arousal and feel the curiosity rise up in me like it did a few nights ago. How would he look like? How would he feel in my hand? In a sudden moment of boldness I slide my hand in his boxers and that's when I feel it. Warm and hard against the palm of my hand. I wrap my fingers around him and Peeta moans against my mouth. It's not good enough, I want to see. So I break away from his lips, remove his boxer shorts and stare at what I think is a rather large penis. Suddenly I'm not sure what to do anymore. I don't have older brothers who tell me everything, like he does. I know absolutely nothing. So I look up to his face questioningly. "What should I do?" I whisper, feeling embarrassed at my ignorance, my cheeks burn. Peeta smiles at me and closes his hand around mine and shows me how to stroke him. Once I get the hang of it he lets me go and sinks back into the cushions. My hand gets more insistent as I kiss him again. He whispers my name in a breathless voice and it makes me happy. Happy to make him feel like this. To make him see the stars after he showed them to me. I keep stroking him and see he closes his eyes and arches his back and with one firm stroke from me he finds his release.

I let go and stare down at the naked boy lying next to me in his bed. He opens his eyes and pulls me in his arms. "Thank you," he whispers. "Was it any good?" I ask, still unsure about myself.

"It was amazing," Peeta assures me and kisses me on my lips. I feel the stickiness of his release on his belly. "I'll get something for that," I say and I go to the bathroom to get him a towel. On my way back I notice the tray with the now cold breakfast. I throw Peeta the towel and take the tray. "I forgot about breakfast," I say apologetically.

"Believe me when I say I really don't mind at all," he answers, smiling while he sits up, pulling the comforter over his lower body. I head over to him and put the tray on his lap. "Maybe it's still good, even though it's cold?" I ask.

"I'm fine with it, hot or cold," he says while I go to my side of the bed and slide in next to him. "As long as you're here to eat it with me," Peeta adds as he takes a bite of the toast with eggs. When we finish breakfast we snuggle a bit more. I'm feeling too lazy and too happy to leave this bed and face the world.

When the phone rings Peeta gets up, but I tell him I'll get it. It's easy enough to run down the stairs for me, whereas he has to go through much more trouble. For a moment I'm surprised to hear Prim's voice on the other side of the line, shouldn't she be in school? But then I remember Cinna's coming today. "Will you come home to see the bridesmaids dresses?" Prim asks me.

"Of course," I answer, "I'll be there right away."

It's nice to see Cinna again, but it's also confronting. The wedding is getting so close now. I'm dreading going back to the Capitol. Terrified to encounter President Snow again. What will he say? What will he do? Most of all I'm afraid he'll find a way to force Peeta and me into having kids. I'm sure he doesn't know about the pills Haymitch gave me, but he'll find out soon enough. If I don't get pregnant they'll probably investigate me and find a way to make it happen. The thought alone sends shivers of fear down my spine and I'm thinking back to Gale's suggestion to run. To be free. I can't run without Peeta, obviously. But maybe with him, together? I shake my head at my own idea. I know it's not possible. They'll catch us and kill us when they do, or worse… And on top of that, I really can't leave Prim behind either. No, the only thing I can do is wait and see, however that frustrates me. I don't have a choice.

Cinna tells me the silk gown with the pearls is the one that got selected for the wedding. It's a beautiful dress, but nothing like the one I'd wear if I got to choose myself. This wedding will be different than a District Twelve wedding. With lots of food, wine and dancing and crazy Capitol people touching me. At least Peeta will be at my side all the time and my mother and Prim will come too. That thought calms me down a bit. But while Cinna is dressing me in the gown for a last photo shoot my mind wanders to how a normal wedding would be. Peeta and I will have a toasting over a fire, with only a small group of people. It would be simple, but real. I want that, I'd like that. The idea starts to form in my head.

**_Peeta_**

Katniss is everything that's on my mind these days. I don't even care about the wedding or the Quarter Quell or whatever else is happening in the world. I'm so in love and walking on pink clouds in the skies that everything else seems irrelevant. At night she sleeps in my arms. The days I spend with her as well. Baking her whatever she wants and feeding her cookies and cheese buns. I didn't expect her to be this relaxed either. She's smiling, she's happy. There have been no nightmares this week, for neither one of us. A dark part in my mind wonders how long that will last, but I push the thoughts away.

It's a little like we're reliving the time when Katniss broke her foot. Spending the day together. We add a few extra plants to her book. I sketch her while she's napping. We play chess and if married life is going to be like this, I know I wouldn't mind it.

About a week and a half before we have to travel to the Capitol, Katniss wakes me with an unexpected question. "Peeta?" she's shaking my shoulder and I open my eyes, looking at her sleepily. I'm starting to lose my standard rhythm of waking at baker's hours.

"I'm sorry to wake you, but I promised Prim I'd walk her to school today. But before I go I want to ask you something. I meant to do it last night, but I fell asleep," she smiles, obviously reminded by last night and how I might have been a factor of distraction.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Do you want to marry me?" Her eyes are wide as she stares at me intently. I'm confused about her question. "What do you mean?" I ask, "We're getting married next week."

"But do you want to marry me for real?" Katniss repeats.

I sit up and rub with my hands in my eyes, "Of course," I answer, "I love you."

At this I see her eyes shine and her lips curl into a smile, but then her face gets serious again. "I want to have a toasting, I want a District Twelve toasting with you. Before we go to the Capitol."

"Okay," I answer, my heart skipping a beat at the idea, "When do you want to do that?"

"Tonight?" she asks, "And maybe after, we could… You know?"

Her cheeks get red again and I can't help but laugh a little. Despite what we've been doing in my bedroom this week, she's still so pure and shy.

"What are you laughing at?" she asks, a little bit irritated.

"Nothing," I say as I shake my head, "I'll bake the bread, okay? Do you want to invite our family and friends to the toasting?"

"It would be weird," Katniss says, "They all expect us to get married next week. Maybe with just the two of us?"

"Sure, I'd love that," I say as I kiss her on her lips. "I'd really love that."

That evening, we have dinner at Katniss's house, including a more or less sober Haymitch. A sober Haymitch is perceptive, and Katniss is nervous, pushing everybody to eat faster. Of course he picks up on that, "What's with you? So eager to leave."

Katniss gives a noncommittal shrug and Haymitch lets out a snarky laugh. "It seems to me as if you two are up to something."

"We're not up to anything, Haymitch," I say calmly, "You're just a really slow eater when you're not drunk."

Prim giggles and nods, "Peeta's right about that!"

When dinner is finally over Katniss and I go back to my house where a perfect loaf of bread lies waiting for us in my kitchen. We take the loaf and go to the living room. Together we build a fire signifying the warmth of a home in which we will live together and the love we have for each other. When it's really burning I slice the bread and hand Katniss a slice. We each take our piece and hold it over the fire until it's toasted. When it's ready we take the bread out of the fire and hold it out to each other. District Twelve has official wedding vows that come with the bread, but Katniss and I have our own words. Our eyes lock as I start to speak softly.

"Katniss Everdeen, You are what keeps my heart beating. I love you more than anything in this world. You're my whole life and without you I'd never be happy again. Whatever comes our way, storms or wars or Games, I'll be here with you. I'll never leave you but I will hold you close to me and never let you go. I promise you that I will love you and care for you until I breathe my last breath."

With these words I hand her the bread and she takes a small bite. I see the tears glistening in her beautiful silver eyes and squeeze her hand reassuringly. She squeezes back and smiles.

"Peeta Mellark, my boy with the bread. Thank you for marrying me, for being with me when I need you, for holding me in the dark of night. I promise you I will stay with you and protect you and put you somewhere you can't get hurt." I smile as I recognize these words from our final interview after the Games. But Katniss isn't finished yet, "I was never good at words, but now that I'm with you, I feel like I'm safe enough to tell you what I feel. You mean the world to me. You make me feel safe like no one else can. And I love you."

I take the bread from her and put it in my mouth. At that same time I feel the tears sliding down my cheeks. No words could describe what I feel. For her to tell me she loves me, that is more than I ever hoped for and I'm still finding it hard to believe.

We're sitting in front of the fire, staring into each other's eyes, enchanted by the flames and the love we feel. Katniss goes to sit on her knees and moves into me. When our lips touch it's like electricity shooting through me. It feels as a confirmation of her words of love when she pushes herself against me, making me lie down on my back, Katniss on top of me while our tongues dance around each other. My hands are on her back, sliding under her shirt, touching her soft skin. She sits up, her legs straddling me and she takes off her shirt, revealing her perfect breasts to me. I reach out and cup them both with my hands, squeezing her nipples between my thumbs and forefingers. But Katniss seems impatient, her hands unbutton my shirt and after that my pants. We undress each other while we kiss and caress. All the while I keep thinking how beautiful she is, how wonderful this feels, how soft her skin is against mine. Her hair falls in a silk wave over her shoulders, her eyes are shining silver. "Katniss," I whisper. She rolls on her back and pulls me on top of her. "Make love to me?" she asks. I nod and bend down to kiss her again. I feel her spreading her legs beneath me and my erection is pressed against her inner thigh. I don't exactly know what to do next, but Katniss grows bolder by the minute as she takes me in her hand and guides me inside of her. The warmth of her surrounds me like she's everywhere and the sensation makes me gasp. Very carefully I push until I'm completely sheathed inside her. It's only then that I see the pain on her face. Of course, I knew that, but it scares me nonetheless. I slide out of her and go to sit on my knees between her legs. "Are you okay?" I ask, "I don't want to hurt you."

She shakes her head, "I'm fine," she says but I'm not convinced. "Let's try something else first," I say and I bend down and kiss her belly. My mouth travels further down, until I'm between her thighs. I kiss her there too, my mouth tasting her. At my touch Katniss arches her back and lets out a moan. When I touch her like this, it doesn't take her long to reach her climax, and only shortly after that she pulls me on top of her again. "I want you," she tells me and for the second time I'm sliding inside of her. The feeling of her around me is overwhelming and I know for sure I won't last long. Once I'm all the way in, I stop and examine her face. "Not painful?" I ask. "Just a little. It's alright, it will pass," she reassures me. She pulls me to her and kisses my lips, slowly sucking in my lower lip. Encouraged by that I start to move and Katniss follows me until we find a rhythm together. I'm already breathing heavily, "I won't last long," I whisper, "I'm sorry."

"That's okay," she smiles up at me, "We have plenty of time ahead of us to do it again sometime." With that she bucks her hips against mine, which almost brings my blood to the boil. Our pace quickens and my thrusts become more frantic as the tension builds up inside of me and I know I'm almost there. When Katniss rotates her hips again, she sends me over the edge and with a loud moan I shoot my release into her. In reaction Katniss wraps both her legs and her arms around me and presses me against her. Her breathing is loud in my ear while I come down from my high. "That was amazing," she whispers in my ear.

I roll off of her and gather her in my arms. We're lying, limbs entangled, on the rug in front of the hearth. Katniss reaches over me to get the throw blanket from the couch to cover us and then snuggles against me, her head on my chest. "It sure was," I confirm and kiss her on top of her head.

"I wish we could lay here forever," Katniss says, "That we don't have to go get married in the Capitol."

"Me, too," I reply, "This was perfect."

We drift off to sleep, warmed by the fire, loved by each other. Not aware of the roaring future that lies before us. Not aware of the cries for war in other districts. The uprising that stands at the verge of happening. We sleep safe and sound tonight.


End file.
